Further Reflections

Just finished a GASi Summer School Bridging Event online. The title was “Remembering”.

I wouldn’t have participated if the event wasn’t online. I have a problem getting away in the middle of the summer for conferences abroad.

This time I registered because Leah Chaikin was making a presentation on the second day. She’s a person I appreciate and admire and I wanted to give her my support by being present.

But I hadn’t taken into account that this is a two-day event falling on Saturday and Sunday. I only realized this on Friday – when I had all sorts of tasks lined up for Saturday. When I finally figured out the time schedule (CET, not London time, I managed to get up early and get all my chores done before I had to sit down to my computer. But I was already disgruntled.

It didn’t help that the first presentation was about Summer Schools Past. I felt completely excluded and became more and more hostile as the first session progressed. Being a person who has to say what’s on her mind, I did voice my hostility and feeling of exclusion. The presentation was pretty rosy, with dark spots mentioned but glossed over in the display of photos of people enjoying themselves. (I found myself focusing on a lady at a dinner who seemed to be isolated by two people who were carrying on an animated conversation, across her. She had pushed her chair back from the table – so as not to interfere.)

The next session was basically a Small Group that met once each day. It indeed became my safe space, where I could more-fully express myself. One man said he appreciated how I navigated the Israeli-Palestinian conflict without leaving room to attack me. Because one of the conflicts that had been mentioned in the presentation had been about racism, I did focus on the one man of color (I think from Indian background) in the group. But other subjects that came up were about being excluded, myself as a Jew in the WASP village where I grew up, a possible conflict between myself and the German convenor (who brought this up herself. I said my parents were from Germany and although they tried to repress anything German in our home, I was surprised – when I first visited Germany – to discover how much of the German matrix I had absorbed from them, including humor, sensitivity to certain insults, family relationships and even a tip-of-the tongue understanding of the language. I also told her I’d discovered, re the recent race riots in Israel, how easy it is to become a fascist.

We came out of our Small Groups to the Large Group, where I found that Summer-Schools-Past was still the central theme. So I vocally applauded when a man with a Palestinian-sounding name connected the here-and-now conversation with the matrix of the world. In the Small Group, our convenor had specifically requested from one member not to use the chat during these meetings. This man had and again did continuously give his contributions by chat in the common events, (the first presentation and again in the Large Group.) This time our convenor, now a simple participant, voiced her anger at the distraction of his constant texting. I realized there was no way to make private chats in these sessions, which indeed made any personal messages completely public. The group said the man was being scapegoated and I immediately jumped to ameliorate this, trying to see how this man was expressing something for the whole group (like maybe frustration that there was no platform for personal communications in the chat.) The man with the Palestinian-sounding name, and I did make a connection, first he wrote me but then he also said out loud what he had written – that he appreciated my support.

Nights were weird during the workshop. I would try to get to sleep early and then find myself completely awake after 2 hours, in the middle of the night. I would get up, find something to read and go back to sleep after a few hours. I was sleep-deprived the whole time. I’m used to my siestas and find it hard to function clearly for the whole 16-hour stretch between night and night. (Somehow – when I’m in Europe – this becomes a non-issue.)

I had realized that Sunday would start with a social dreaming matrix, so I made a point to remember my dreams from Friday night – two very vivid ones. On Saturday I had one dream which I thought was enough to retain. In that dream I was a black woman being interviewed for a newspaper article. I was describing how I got my life together after several male partners. How I had disconnected with my oldest daughter because one of the stepfathers rejected her, but managed to bring my two sons with me through the whole journey. I was wearing a red dress, reminiscent of the dress worn by The Woman in Red. And red lipstick which was “appropriate”, signifying dignity and courage.

The first dream in the Matrix was about a field full of beautiful donkeys and their foals. I connected mine to the that dream when the lady who brought it talked about the curly hair of one of the donkeys., since in my dream I had short black curly hair. So I brought my dream after hers. It was almost completely ignored. The group focused on donkeys and their attributes, their inter-relationships and the myriad associations that donkeys arouse.

During the reflection period, at the end of the Matrix, I said I was surprised that my dream had no resonance at all. The implication was that racism – the one unsolvable conflict of summer-schools-past – was being swept under the carpet. It was mentioned that one black lady had left in the middle of one of the summer schools, hurt by the fact that somebody said the word “nigger” as an association to something, and also because there was racist graffiti in the toilets. The lady who left apparently felt uncontained by the group.

Then came Leah’s presentation – a very bibliotherapy-ish sequence of materials, songs, poems and stories. I was at least gratified that summer-schools-past was only mentioned marginally at the end of the presentation. Leah was her usual generous and internally-rich self.

In the ensuing Small Group, I was disconcerted that I found myself bringing up multiple traumas from my past. I don’t like the fact that I can’t just be, without having to explain my intricacies with my convoluted history. One feat I was proud to relate was from my days as a cowherd, when I discovered a new-born calf in the field. I was supposed to bring the cows back to the barn for milking. I found the mother completely exhausted and all the other cows vying to take over the calf (since theirs had been absconded immediately after birth, so their milk could be “harvested”.) I picked up the calf and carried it back to the barn and the whole herd followed me. Nobody realized that this was quite a feat for a 14-year-old girl, to carry a calf in her arms for about a kilometer. The other traumas I brought up, I wish I could have done without and still convey the points I was trying to make.

Came the final Large Group. One lady with an Arabic sounding name, wrote in the chat that they had had a good discussion about Islamophobia and antisemitism in their small group. As people were discussing conflicts that had arisen around the first Summer School, concerning an Israeli colleague of mine, who was at-the-time Chairman of GASi, I made the connection between my passed-over dream, the comment on chat about Islamophobia and antisemitism and the conflict that was being discussed. Naming “Antisemitism” I think, helped the two participants in that previous conflict, to make a reparation.

But two women-of-color were unsettled by my making the connections. A black woman did not want to engage on the subject of racism, apparently tired of being the “token black” who has to deal with the issue. She even spoke about just leaving the session. The other Arabic-sounding-named lady said she felt these issues could be dealt with in a Small Group, but that Large Groups tend to lead to splits and conflict rather than resolution. I declared that I don’t know how and don’t want to be politically-correct, that I want to discuss issues that come up with me in free-associations, and not be constricted by semantics. I said my ignored dream had been a message that these subjects should be discussed, “Sorry I brought that in here.” I said I felt rebuffed by both of them. The black woman said she was not hurt by my dream (which I felt was an unwarranted apology to me for having the temerity to dream my dream, but felt at least relieved that she wasn’t personally insulted by me.) The other lady (just now I realized that I refer to these two as “the black woman” and “the lady-with the-Arabic-sounding-name”. Maybe because of size or inferred age. I would refer to myself as a woman rather than a lady probably because of my advanced age.) Whatever, the lady-with-the-Arabic-sounding-name agreed to engage with me.

In the closing period, after the Large Group, I found myself shamelessly using the public chat to make connections with people who wanted to be in contact. No private space for this made it awkward, but personal connections won out over embarrassment.

Was it worth the effort? Mainly because, maybe, I have made some personal connections which will help me to broaden my horizons.

Ruth Duek
ruthduek@gmail.com

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Dear Peter and Vivienne,

This was my first time at your summer school and I’m sorry to say it will be my last.

I found that some of the speakers in this sort of group analysis meeting have no idea how they come across.

There seems to be a need to overwhelm the audience with how much they know.

When those who are not so familiar with the process speak, they are not allowed enough time to explore their feelings.

There seems to be no room for real dialogue, just  constant interruptions.

Some familiar faces there talk over others and I have no tolerance for them.

I want to continue to be part of group analysis but there are some people I cant be bothered to learn from; especially in that particular setting.

Thanks

Ngozi Fofah
sarah.fofah@sky.com

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Thank you Peter and Vivienne for your invitation. I had to keep reminding myself that this was a ‘ bridging event’ because it was a very ‘ poor relation’ of the Summer School . I know at this stage of the year I am very tired of zoom events and this was a factor for me. In the Summer School in Llubljana there was such a variety of engagement with each other on many levels that it was a very rich experience. That kind of engagement was not possible at the bridging event and I am not sure I should even have expected it !

Having said all that, it was good to see and hear the familiar people. The presentations from Leah and Maria-Jose were gentle and thought provoking. I hope that those people who were new to the event were not put off from attending the next Summer School.

Thank you for the trouble you took (and take) on our behalf. I look forward to the Summer School in Dublin.

Helen Jones
helenjones1953@gmail.com